Apr 16, 2013
Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force.
YODA, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Posted at 09:19 pm by Kimber-Ley
“To die will be an awfully big adventure.” Aristotle quotes (Ancient Greek Philosopher, Scientist and Physician, 384 BC-322 BC)
To die will be an awfully big adventure.
J.M. BARRIE, Peter Pan
Posted at 09:15 pm by Kimber-Ley
Death is a release from the impressions of sense, and from impulses that make us their puppets, from the vagaries of the mind, and the hard service of the flesh. ~Marcus Aurelius, MeditationsqUOTE
Posted at 09:11 pm by Kimber-Ley
Oct 31, 2012
I am soon to be faced with hard decisions about dialysis.
Apparently PD sometimes doesn't work well with people who also have diabetes and insulin will have to be factored into the equation as well. Christine (my diabetic nurse) believes I should have a transplant because I'm young still but if I don't that Hemo dialysis will be a better option for me. It means a fistula.
It freaks me out.
I am NOT having a transplant.
End of story.
I'm upset, frustrated and scared of course.
What if I decide not to bother with any of it and just let nature take its course? Does that mean I'm a quitter? Or does it mean that I decided to put my beliefs into practice? Everything happens for a reason. When it's your time it's your time. What will be will be.
If I trust and have faith in God what is meant to be will be.
My whole life has been an endurance test so why else would this be my way? The hits keep coming and it's doubtful they will stop anytime soon...because I'm strong and I can take it. Hmmmmmmmm.
Does learning to accept my life and challenges with grace and fortitude mean that I don't fight? I fight every day. Maybe just NOT the way that YOU fight. I don't know what the lesson is. I don't know what I'm meant to be learning. I don't know what TOMORROW will bring. I can only answer for TODAY. Today I am unsure.
I am unshaken about the transplant though. I don't want it. It's just MY choice.
I consider the thought that I can heal myself. It is an IDEA that I can't shake. The only thing is that I have no idea HOW. I have a plethora of doubts if it is even possible. I don't think I have the kind of positivity and faith that it would take to be true.
These hard decisions sink my soul and make my head and heart hurt.
I don't know. I don't KNOW!!!!
Posted at 08:44 am by Kimber-Ley
Oct 10, 2012
I'm having yet another rough time and I don't want to talk about it but, I want to say that YES it sure does SUCK to be ME!
Frustrated, depressed, upset, miserable all of these and none of these quite cover it.
SOMETHING has got to change!!!
Posted at 07:23 pm by Kimber-Ley
Sep 12, 2011
...with new meds and the body aches and pains and adjustments that come from it.
I don't really enjoy it and yet I hope that once I've endured it the end result will be improvements. I didn't sleep well last night and I'm tired today as a result of it. I am eating because I have to but it doesn't appeal to me and I'm not sure I will enjoy the lack of appetite while not having a choice if I eat or not...if I don't eat I will PAY for that...so I guess I eat tasteless, blah stuff and know that it will be good for me anyway.
Sometimes I just really HATE this stuff that has been dropped on me and that I have to find a way to get through and find a positive attitude about while I do.
Today is a little better than yesterday but, I still don't feel awesome...but, I will endure...
Posted at 09:21 am by Kimber-Ley
Aug 18, 2011
What do you do when you feel restless, stressed, emotional...I mean more than usual, or for days in a row, weeks, months even. How do you find the joy again? How do you find the silver lining? How do you find and BE positive when you're feelings don't really seem to be for much reason at all.
I know there are many reasons in my life and situation to feel this way but, I don't think any of them are the reason I feel so...RESTLESS.
I don't know what is...
maybe just because I know deep deep down that things are changing again and some CHOICES have to be made. I have to make a DECISION. THEN, I have to fight myself like hell every day to keep from sinking back into this oblivion.
Ignorance is bliss they say...sometimes I wish to be ignorant and delusional but, the problem is that I am intelligent and I can recognize and know the truth when I hear it or see it. IF I want to be here LONG time, I MUST change some things. So many I have already changed but, so many still to change that I sometimes feel I flounder and drown in the middle and have not gotten anywhere yet at all!
Baby steps move forward but, so SLOW and yet, I cannot seem to make these changes any faster or I feel overwhelmed and just want to lie down and give up.
I refuse to give up! So I continue to step with baby steps and make ONE change at a time until I make improvements or lose the fight...whichever comes first.
I need a list and a PLAN. Then I will find the WILL to commit to it.
Posted at 09:22 pm by Kimber-Ley
Jun 17, 2011
Well, the thing I have been dreading has finally happened.
I will be starting to take insulin as soon as I can make an appt with the Dr. and get him to write my prescription for the pen. :(
I am also showing at 27 and in Stage 4 which disturbs me a little. No matter how much I wish it, it seems there is no stopping the progression of the disease. It is slowly going down hill. For the longest time I was right on the line between Stage 3 and Stage 4 and I was hopeful I could stay there a long time.
It is difficult to do all the things I have to do. Eat right, exercise, be positive, keep trying, keep moving forward, not give up, not give in.
Don't do this, don't do that. Bahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Maybe one good thing is it will be a 24 hour insulin so I will only have to inject myself once a day. I hope it helps.
I'm feeling sad today. :(
Posted at 06:14 am by Kimber-Ley
Apr 2, 2011
A week ago I found out for the first time yet what it feels like to have one of the cysts on my kidneys burst. It is not fun or pleasant. It hurts.
I was laid up in bed for a week. I've spent the last couple of days resting as well because I don't want that to happen again any time soon!
Thankfully, tylenol takes the edge off and the heating pad relieves some of the pain.
Thank GOD for that because I really can't spend a week in the hot bath tub!! LOL
The thing about being stuck in bed is that you think about all the things that you need to do and can't right now and it can be very frustrating.
The thing about being in pain like that is that it is a constant throb and causes stress on your body and mind. It is very difficult to concentrate on anything or focus so I had a hard time keeping up with my blogs and I had to "cheat" by posting things I had written previously. So, I decided maybe I should just write all the time and save the finished stories and posts to a folder for sick days! LOL
But, the thing is when you get back to normal again real life comes crashing back into focus and you're back to your same routine again of laundry, dishes and other housework and any other extra projects you've set for yourself for the week or the month. Since I am a terribly unorganized individual there is really no regular way in which I keep track of all these things so what's next is whatever comes into my head or pops into my attention first.
I do try to write lists for myself but sometimes I lose them and sometimes I JUST don't FOLLOW them. So all I can do is keep trying to get my "stuff" together and hope with time I DO get better at it!
In the healthy pain free times I will try to keep myself busy and write extra things in case of the next "bursting cyst" moment.
Some parts of living with my diseases depresses and frustrates me MUCH.
I don't like the pain. IT is NOT my friend.
BUT, I have decided I REFUSE to let it get me down OR at the very least KEEP me down! I will take the down time when it comes as a moment to collect my thoughts and take a deep breath before jumping in feet first again and running full tilt at the speed my brain requests of me. It will be like the calm before the storm.
AND I think that I can do that. I can use those times as breathing space, calm, down time to rest and replenish for the up times. Full speed ahead!
Posted at 12:50 pm by Kimber-Ley
Feb 3, 2011
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die:
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to break down, and a time to build up:
A time to weep, and a time to laugh:
A time to mourn and a time to dance:
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.
Posted at 10:20 am by Kimber-Ley